In spite of the fact that the sunshine is forcibly pushing it's way through the grey winter coldness that has been most of April, and there are signs all around us of a spring just waiting to burst onto the scene, I feel depressed. I found out last week (at the big cookie extravaganza for the gang) that my one and only friend in the neighborhood (like...real friend - I mean, I have other friends, but more...acquaintances, you know?) is moving away.
Listen. I live in a 'small' house. (everything is comparable, you know?) - but for the people in UT - families who have lots of kids, a 2600 sq ft home (ours) is a 'newlywed' home. You know- people who don't have kids in school yet. And that's not really our situation - so it's been harder to make friends here than I thought it would be. Most people I meet see me as 'the old lady with the teenage kids' (wow - am I really that person?) and just write me off immediately. It doesn't help that we don't attend the LDS church, so we're not part of that social PARTAY either. Plus, I don't love the whole 'girls night out to chit chat about the latest home decorations we purchased' thing. Thankfully, Colby saw through all that when our little kiddies started playing outside together, actually took the time to get to know me, and didn't let our age difference affect things, and you know what? We've become really good friends over the last 6 years.
So when she told me that she's listing her house this week, I felt pretty dang sad. What am I saying? I feel pretty dang sad. This neighborhood won't be the same without her five cute little kids running around doing their thing. I sorta feel like my nieces and nephews are moving away.
Also, watching my 'young' friends moving on with their lives (whether it's going back to school to finish a degree, or getting a better job, or finding a new house - whatever the case may be) just brings me back to the realization that I'm still here. I'm still stuck - doing what I was doing when we moved into this place. The only thing that's really changed is that my kids are grown up now. I'm still teaching piano. Mart is still working at a computer place doing something I really don't get. We're still making the same money we were 8 years ago. We're no better off than we were - life hasn't moved, life hasn't changed. We don't live in TX again like I thought we would by now. We haven't won the lottery like I hoped. We don't have huge savings accounts, and investment properties and stocks and bonds in our name. How has this happened? Life has moved on and we're stuck.
It's a depressing thought. I'm 42. I shouldn't be in the same place I was in at 34. Right? I should be better off somehow. What happened to the last 8 years of time? Did you know that every year, I convince myself not to go refinance my home (even though I keep hearing that the rates are SOOO LOW!) because I'm certain this will be the year we will move away. Then, I find myself again - the next year, thinking the same thing. Did you know that I keep going through my house, purging the stuff we don't need - selling it off on the classifieds, because surely a move is just around the corner, and I won't have time to do it then! Did you know that at the end of every fall, I promise myself 'this will be the last winter you'll have to get through the smog and cold and grey!' Next year - it's TEXAS warmth! Did you know for the last 5 years, I've told myself every single year that this summer will be the summer I can finally quit teaching piano and be a mom.
I'm starting to think I'll quit teaching piano (never) and be a mom just when there are no kids to be a mom to anymore.
I'm losing my only really good friend soon.
So yeah. There's that again.
Don't leave me Colby.